Entry Four

I’m so tired. Why do I always have to worry about my safety? Do you know what it’s like to be a 22 yr old girl and share a room with four grown ass men in a foreign country? Where’s the Netherlands guy and why isn’t he back yet it’s going to be midnight soon? God this Camino is so lonely sometimes. I think maybe it would be a lot easier with a travel buddy, actually it definitely would. Walking 500 miles by yourself is not as easy as I expected. I can’t even remember why I thought it was going to be easy. Everyone makes it sound easy. God I’m buried up to my fucking forehead. crashing into me like fucking tidal waves and I’m just sitting here trying to catch my breath but it just won’t let up. I want to sleep for days. I want to have a month off. I want a break from living. Why is living so hard. I understand now why people shut it off and become half-full type of people. It’s because the pain doesn’t ever actually stop. It never gets easier. If only lets up because you dump some of it out to save yourself. I keep telling myself I won’t dump any of it out. That I’ll be as full a person as I possibly can be until it kills me. But god it’s so damningly hard. The fullness fills my lungs. like I’m drowning from the inside out. I’m so lonely I may go crazy. I talk to people in my head. I pretend people I know are there and I’m telling them about what I’m doing. It’s driving me wild. It hasn’t even been that long! And it’s driving me wild. I thought this would be peaceful and blissful but god!!!!

And why the fuck does everyone keep commenting on the type of conversations they have? They spend half the fucking conversation just talking about the conversation! It makes the actual conversation seem so fuxking fraudulent! Like hey our convos on the Camino are soooo deep right? So big and deep and let’s talk about all that deep shit just to feel really deep and good about ourselves, because we are so much better than everyone else because we have so much depth!!!! Good for us. Such good conversations. We have the best conversations. There’s no hiding in our conversations. Everything is out there. Say jim, tell us about all your deepest darkest fears and I’ll spout a couple lines I picked up from some rando self help book and we can all feel super good and super deep.

Go’s it fuckinf kills me.

And why the fuck does ever fucking room have a man that snores? It doesn’t matter if I share a room with one person or 109 people always there is a fucking snorer. It’s like a critical attribute of staying in an albergue. What the fuck.

And Anthony. One of those LA spiritual types. He walks slow, has the DEEPEST convos, doesn’t leave town until he finds someone to jab their ear off while walking, then complains of neck pain half way to the next town and calls a fucking taxi. Wtf Anthony you are the defo of fraud. You belong to LA my dear boy. Good luck with your iPhone quality video of the Camino that you taxid halfway across. I’m sure the people you show it to in the future will find you super deep and super cultured and ultra spiritual and cool. Superb job brother. Keep rocking those beads.

I need to sleep now because I’m next level exhausted and fuck I can’t even think straight where is the Netherlands guy he seemed so nice but what if he comes in and tries to assault me in my sleep?? I’m so sick of being fucling paranoid I want to cry. I want to feel safe, I want to not feel alone and lonely, I want someone to see me and not just see themselves through me, everyone only gives a shit about themselves and how they look through your eyes, they just want to talk about themselves because if you are interested then it makes them feel really good and I’m just sick of all the conversations about deep conversations I’m just sick of it.

I want to die sometimes but I’m so fucking terrified of not existing

What do I even do with that?

I know it’s always both and yin yang whatever but it’s a little too much yin and not enough yang at the moment.