Entry Two

While I was walking, I had the most magnificent of epiphanies.

I was in the midst of a very interesting episode, walking down the trail at breakneck speed and realizing that I was only pushing on for survival which more or less made me a wild animal, and wild animals are not super aware of their surrounding they are just a part of their surrounding, a part of the ecosystem a part of the circle of life and so am I. I became one with the nature with the world with the path, I even became the path I became the journey I became in my totality because I am not a human, I complete control alt deleted by ego or something.

Sometimes I feel I am only seen through others. So only in the eyes of others do I exist. This is why it can be very difficult to be alone, because who we are is only graspable when we see ourselves through the eyes of other individuals. To see ourselves through our own eyes can be difficult and blindly reaching. It is almost like our life is legitimized by other people paying attention to it. That is why we need human connection, social media, because what is the point if it is just you? How lonely and meaningless it would feel to be the only person living on the planet? All meaning flies out the window because nobody is observing your existence and acknowledging who you are and what you do. It can be hard to do things solely for yourself. Why is that? It didn’t used to be. I used to do things just to make myself feel happy. Now I just feel empty, and I want someone to be there to acknowledge what I do, to love what I do. It is hard. I must learn to be enough for myself again or I will never be content.

You have to think of your life like a book in terms of time. All the pages, all the words, all the chapters and people and memories and experiences and loves and failures / they are all there. But you have to flip through it one word one paragraph one page at a time. And you can’t flip back no matter how much you want to. But it’s all there, the entire book. Although you can only live it out in a linear form, it will always exist, every little piece you miss, you hate, and you forgot about. It will exist forever.